a question of experiencing

...patience - i seem to despise this word for the very fact that i don't have any. i usually want the things to happen right here, right now. i have worked a lot on it; and i have never really thought about anything beyond 'now' so far. truth be told, it might stem from fear, fear of the next step to come, fear of losing time, fear of losing alltogether and being disappointed in the end. oh, yet another thing. although you are doing everything correctly, remember that it is all like a good tennis match. the success depends on your own winner points plus the unforced errors of your opponent plus the weather conditions plus the crowd plus your mental status etc. Look what Rainer Maria Rilke has to say:

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look for the answers, they cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

Oh, if only everything would sound as easy and applicable as this one. Bleurghhh!!!

my list

...today i have decided to do a little list of all the things that i want to work on as of today. i will try to:

-be more positive about everything & everybody
-be more gentle to myself. not be true critical. appreciate my talents, my inner (and outer) beauty. be at peace with myself
-figure out what makes me happy and live accordingly. even if this means having little money and facing critique from everybody else
-get rid of toxic people. make a list of those people i want to stay in and of those i want to stay out (and not fall for them again)
-thank my parents for everything they have done for me. and forgive them for everything they have done to me
-take care of Truffe more often. call her more often, listen to her, do more with her, go on parties, talk to her, go see places with her...love her more
-let k. breath. do not suffocate. let him love me (hopefully, he still wants to do that) - suffocated!
-see my true friends more often
-say no more often when i need to say it
-create a home that feels comfortable for everybody who steps a foot inside
-read more
-sing more
-work on my italian
-learn spanish
-draw
-write
-knit
-sew
-cook
-not worry so much about little things
-still believe in love
-go diving more often
-go skiing & snowboarding more often
-go on daily walks just to free my mind and let go of things
-take up yoga & meditation
-nap daily
-not worry so much about wrinkles or any imperfections (?) of my body
-finally accept and cultivate that self-confidence is the most precious jewel i can ever wear
-accept everyone as they are
-not be prejudgmental
-learn to live with my fears

...maybe you would like to do your own one too.

released

..."You go out into the world with the knowledge that this person will be with you no matter what. And instead of being weighed down by that knowledge, you feel freed by it. Released."...
-kerismith, wishjarjournal, 22 sep 04

i still believe in miracles

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen

some of our insecurities ...

...some of our insecurities came about because someone was intimidated by our talents or abilities and didn't know how to tell us the truth...

i don't remember where i got this quote from, however it so aptly reflects why we fight these constant internal battles with ourselves. the fact that someone called us "fat ass" at some point, or was intimidated by the fact that you have a nice voice hurts a lot. and although by now you know better (much better), you go back in time and recall, and those insecurities never seem to entirely vanish. i know. i know better.

wise words ...

...i was just chatting with Deli on the phone when she mentioned a quote from the film "Playing Mona Lisa" by Matthew Huffman: "When you dim your lights so that someone else can shine, the whole world gets darker."

Luv you Deli'cim

...i will be leaving for Bozcaada (Tenedos) tonight for the longish weekend. i'll hopefully return with some nice pictures and some even nicer wine...

it's only two euros

...this is Deli, Okan, Ozgur and myself squeezed up in a photo booth at Paris metro...it's fun, and only 2 Euro...

Je fais rire le monde, mais le monde me fait pleurer

this is a book that i bought in st germain des pres when i was sitting at cafe le buci with my friend ceylan. my friend ismail had told me about this book and the story of ali akbar, france's most popular seller of le monde newspaper, so that i immediately decided to buy it the next day. sipping my afternoon coffee ali akbar himself appeared in front of me. if you happen to stroll around in paris these days, take a few hours to go to rue de buci/rue st andre des arts, and maybe you'll bump into each other. he will definitely brighten your day, and his book will make you think. about stories. about life.